If you were to tell me almost 8 and a half months ago I would be carrying my first child I’d
laugh and carry on… little did I know it was true. A Thursday night “out with
the girls” and a new beau turned into a night spent in tears after the results
of a three dollar pregnancy test… I couldn’t believe the washed out plus sign
that presented itself… I tossed and turned ALL night trying to cope with the
results. In utter denial I awoke at 8am that next morning and rushed myself
into our small bible thumping town. I had never in my life been more nervous as
I sat in the waiting room of our health department… my heart jumped when the
tiny nurse called my name. I felt like I had “pregnant girl” written on my forehead
or something. There she handed me the dread plastic cup…. I went into the
bathroom and took a deep breath. I placed my filled cup in the ting cabinet
next to another tiny cup; little did I know each cup was without a name, just a
one with a room number. (Keep this in mind) and walked out. She called me back
to the room and I waited… and waited… that little cup could change my fate
forever. “You’re in luck, honey it looks like your test came back negative, so
enjoy your Friday.” My stomach leaped like any girl’s would! The day drug on
and I could not get the test from Wal-Mart out of my head. Next thing I knew my
cellphone was playing the popular ringtone with I number I could not recognize…
it was the health department… they need me to come back in and “discuss my
results”. I panicked I knew this couldn’t be true. What on earth was going on? Thank
you for being the trusted officials you are… The test I had taken had been
confused with the room number cup, I was retested just 5 hours after finding
out I WAS NOT pregnant. This time I the results were NOT what I wanted to hear.
This time I was in fact carrying a child, truly I could not believe it because they
had screwed up once so it would happen again. Two tests later I was still given
the same result. I had no clue what I was going to do at all. I was leaving for
a cruise in 10 days going on the vacation of a lifetime with a girlfriend I had
known since I was playing in the sandbox. Everything was in shambles, my life
ruined. I had been the girl that would never ever get pregnant or have kids, I was
gonna “live the college life”, not with a baby I wasn’t. To add more to the mix
I was single. Myself and the father of my child had separated and it was a
nasty separation to say the least. I fought with the idea of abortion, adoption
and keeping her. I had no idea what I was going to do. I planned to take the
easy way out; I could not do this alone and HIM as the father? YUCK! Between the vomiting and withdrawing from my
first college class (unrelated to the pregnancy) I was stressed, I but also had
to find time to make an appointment with an OB, which I KNEW not a thing about.
I couldn’t keep up... I was in turmoil and my world was crashing before my
eyes. I went on my vacation and schedule my doctor’s visit for the days following
my return. The appointment was quick and fast, nothing like I expected. I would
be able to come back in a month for a schedule visit. I had been a planner my
whole life and this WAS not part of my plan by any means, I would no longer be
watching the drunken girl throw up, but now a baby. Although we had a nasty
break up we somehow ended back together in each other’s lives, I’m not sure if
it was out of pity, for the sake of his child, or true love, but he had come
back and was ready to make a “family”. I can say I wanted it; I wanted this
child to experience the life with a mommy and daddy, take family vacations
together, and for the two of us to learn being a mommy and daddy together. It was
a rough road, for those of you who don’t know pregnant women aren’t rainbows
and ponies; we are crying, sweaty, hungry monsters. I’m not sure he was ready
by any means. The day after New Year’s he was gone again. We haven’t said much
to each other, except the occasional things about our daughter, Scarlett, and the
fighting over new girlfriends. I don’t chase him to go to doctor appointments
or to the hospital with me when needed. I hear from him about once a week and it’s
never an easy conversation. My life had gone from a party of three to single
motherhood, late nights by myself, holidays separated, and the learning process
we were doing together, I was on my own constantly wishing I had the perfect
life to offer my little bug and he didn’t seem to care.
<3
